


quality lasagna

by dazesanddoodles



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Confused Bucky Barnes, Crack, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Multi, Musical References, Reality TV, Why Did I Write This?, i can’t tell if this is cursed or blessed, the first thing i post on here is a shitpost, tony is always tired
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-10 08:59:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18657208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dazesanddoodles/pseuds/dazesanddoodles
Summary: a reality tv show au not even i asked for, i wrote this at three am i’m so sorry





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know what this is, i found it in my notes ksjsjkskks. enjoy my first post kids.

so like a portal just openstony is like about to pass out but no one really notices because he always looks like that tbh and stephen just walks in

 

the avengers are like having a meeting and stuff and he just puts a cup of coffee in front of tony and is like, “take you fucking drugs smh”

 

tony is all like, “omg thanks asshole” and stephen is about to walk out and everyone is like “who the fuck are you”

 

(stephen in confessional) i’ve never felt so attacked and unwanted

 

“i die for y’all several times and this is the thanks i get? tony don’t give them my lasagna at the mandatory dinners” walks out of a portal while tony’s head falls to the table, passed out.

 

there’s a pause and then steve is just like “what was that?” natasha just shrugs and peter pipes up from where he is in the corner “oh that was doctor dad.”

 

everyone turns to look at him and he’s all ‘they’re all staring at me whatdoido’ and bruce is like “his name is stephen, he makes good tea”

 

_cuts to confessional_

 

[camera man] what did you think of stephen?

 

(steve in confessional) i actually don’t know who that was but i feel hurt

 

(bruce in confessional) oh yeah stephen, he’s pretty great. um can i leav

 

(bucky in confessional) wAIT HE WAS THE ONE THAT MADE THOSE LASAGNAS? WAIT GET HIM TO KEEP MAKING THOSE

 

(tony in confessional) *straight up passed out*

 

_cuts back to stephen and pepper talking over tea later_

 

“- and they didn’t even know who i am i just-“ pepper pats his hand and says something like  “there there, it’s okay you drama queen” and stephen is all “you’re the best” pep is like “i know” and kisses him on the forehead

 

_camera pans up to where clint is in the vents and he is sh o o k then cuts over to him talking to nat sam and bucky_

 

“and she kissed! his forehead!” and bucky asks “isn’t she like dating tony tho?” and clint is like “i know right!?!” 

 

natasha looks around and slinks out of the room, mumbling something about “figuring this out” the rest disperse soon after

 

_cuts to confessional_

 

[camera man] what was going through your mind?

 

(natasha in confessional) *shrugs and smiles, saying nothing*

 

(clint) boy is this t E A, is pepper cheating on tony? does tony know? why did stephen and tony seem friendly this morning then? is something else going on?

 

(bucky) *looking up* huh? what was the question?

 

(sam) bucky is a bitch. *a pause* wait, *another pause* nope, still a bitch.

 

_cuts back to the lounge and tony announcing over the intercom “meeting time, gays only event” and everyone going to the lounge_

 

“alright so a little bird told everyone that pepper is apparently cheating on me” looks at clint passive aggressively and clint just raises an eyebrow like ‘ _bitch why you mad at me, the fuck?_ ’

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hhhhhhh i made another one! enjoy kids!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got kudos? i guess y’all like my trash ksjsjjsjs, this one’s probably even worse, i wrote it during an all nighter
> 
> sorry in advance for the sheer amount of musical references ashgsgdgd

_ previously on quality lasagna: “alright so a little bird told everyone that pepper is apparently cheating on me” looks at clint passive aggressively and clint just raises an eyebrow like ‘bitch why you mad at me, the fuck?’ _

                                                 

* * *

 

 

tony raises his eyebrow back and says “one, fuck yo u. dos, no pepper is not cheating on me. trois, i’m dating both of them obvi. vier,,,,, i actually don’t have a fourth thing so fuck you again i guess”

 

thor and bruce turn to each other and are like “wait did the others not know?” and steve overhears and is like “and you d i d?¿?” thor responds with “ofcourse we knew, we have double dates with them all the time!” everyone (who isn’t tony) turns around and is like “yOu tWO aRe daTiNg?”

 

_ cuts to confessional _

 

[camera man] how do you feel knowing about these relationships?

 

(thor in confessional) well i already knew! i think pepper, tony, and stephen are adorable together, they make each other happy! and i obviously knew that i was dating bruce, and he’s great and amazing and i love him and-

 

(peter in confessional) i mean it’s great! i get a mom and two dads- i mean, uhh they’re not? my parents?? maybe???

 

(sam in confessional) i dont really care one way or another, but i’m happy for them

 

(natasha in confessional) *saying nothing as usual*

 

_cuts to a time stamp that says 2:47 AM and zooms in on the lounge_

 

tony walks towards the lounge with a bowl full of orange juice and cereal like a true chaotic evil and just as he walks in a portal opens and a wild stephen appears

 

“oh hey tony,” tony sips his bowl, “ready for no sleep saturday?” tony looks around cuz they both look super heckin’ sketchy and says “you got the bootleg?” stephen nods and says “i have falsettos” they watch the full thing twice before steve walks in and finds them in a pile blankets crying. 

 

“what happened here? why is there a broken chessboard in the table?” tony cries a bit harder at the mention of a chessboard cuz like who would mention a chessboard to someone who just watched falsettos and stephen just stares off tears silently going down his face. steve is like ‘ _???? what the fuck did i just walk into_ ’ and decides to just leave for his morning run with sam and bucky like a coward smh

 

_cuts to the three running_

 

steve and bucky are just la p p i n g sam but steve’s also catching the two up on what he saw like “so then “ runs another lap “i mentioned a chessboard” another lap “and they cried even harder!” sam is collapsed in a pile of sweat and sadness and says something like “why would you ever mention a chessb o a r d”

 

_cuts to confessional_

 

[camera man] so what happened?

 

(bucky in confessional) wh- uhhhhh tacos? wait you were asking what i want for lunch rig-

 

(stephen in confessional) falsettos, falsettos happened

 

(sam in confessional) that musical got me f u c k e du p

 

(steve in confessional) i don’t know tbh, oh no, what if something happened! what if pepper is mad at them and broke up with them over a game of chess or something! after letting them win! oh wait no one would ever do something like that *looks directly into the camera like in the office*

 

(tony in confessional) *sobbing*

 

_cuts to someone making something in the kitchen and singing softly_

 

“get your cup of poisoned coffee, your toxic up of joey” it seemed to be, “peter, you h o e are you singing starkid?” shuri walks in “without m e?? you’ve yee’d your last haw”

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed that mess, leave kudos and/or a comment if y’all want me to continue this trash. i made a discord server for this, ask to join in the comments! bye kiddo’s xoxo


End file.
